Two years ago, almost to the day, I left for Clarens. I took enough food to keep me from starving, a small bag and my art supplies.
I didn’t really know why I left I just knew that I had to get away. I was unhappy with everything and I was blaming everyone. I was ready to walk away from my marriage and my family, which, to a lot of people, seemed what I was doing as I drove off. Most people didn’t expect me to return, but I did, and I had every intention to from the moment I started my journey.
Life was too much to handle. I looked in the mirror at a stranger, I dreaded getting up every morning. Yes, I was suicidal, but I am way too afraid of needles or any act that would inflict pain to do anything about this.
So I went on a break, by myself, just me and my thoughts and my art. No I’m not an artist but it was a way of expressing myself and my thoughts and my anger. I was very angry.
I cried most of the way to my destination in that little village. I arrived there late afternoon as the sun gave the mountains a goodnight kiss before going to bed. I unpacked, took a bath and curled up with a book. I don’t know what time I fell asleep but it wasn’t early.
I didn’t do much then, I drew, I went into town and visited the galleries. What I did there, was find myself. No it’s not a magical transformation. There are no angels singing in the background, no white light, no drama. There is only you and yourself and silence, and it’s all I needed.
Looking back now I have grown a lot as a person. I have opened myself up to the world, to discover what I love, what I don’t. I try to learn something new every day. I have good friends, all of whom are great, positive and passionate people who build me up and make of me a better person. I have come to choose my company, and avoid negative, hypocritical people who do nothing to better themselves, but complain about their circumstances. To these people I offer my pity because they will never know what it means to really live each day to the fullest, until they learn to keep quiet and just be.
The great part is that I know what each person in my life’s role is. I keep meeting new people every so often, and I know that there is a lesson to be learnt from each one. Not all of them cross my path to become a lifelong friend, however, which is a pity, because I would love to nurture lifelong friendships with all of these wonderful people. They might not know or realise it but they have enriched my life so.
I am still happily married to my best friend. I have the love of my adoring two sons. This is all I need. Yes a big house and tons of appliances and gadgets of the latest technology would be great to have. But I’m content with my family of four, and my herb garden. You have to ask yourself whether you are striving for a greater life, and define greater – does it mean more luxury on your part so you could spend your days next to the pool with a variety of cocktails and men to choose from.
No, I finally know what it means to be content. I live with no regrets; I do not sell myself short any longer. I know my value. I don’t care what you think of me, if you and I can debate about religion, food, politics, science, and have a good laugh afterwards, walking away from it a little wiser, then I count you amongst my friends. If you want to tell me that I dress funny, or I am common because I buy cheap products, or that I laugh too hard, or smile too often, then I’m sorry but I prefer not to know you, have a good life (although I doubt that you will).
I would love to see the world, experience its fast variety of cultures and languages. And I will get there someday. It is my dream, but I am not living in the future, or in the past. This is my present life and I love it. I will laugh and cry all I want, I will pray to a God I believe has helped me through a lot and is sending all these great people onto my path to teach me true contentment. And one day, when I am wiser, I will see the rest of the world.
